Some Sweary Stress Relief

About three weeks before my wedding the stress was gradually strangling me….

When I'm stressed, I tend to swear -  a lot.  Not that I don't actually swear a lot anyway, but added stress just makes me a bit more vocal.  Ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you.

So when I was approached to review a product, I literally jumped at the chance.  (Well, not literally.  I mean, obviously I didn’t jump out of my seat and grab it, but you know what I mean.)

One of my other little pleasures (apart from the aforesaid swearing) is colouring.  Yes, I said it.  I-like-to-colour.  It's that pent up artist in me that just never gave up hoping I would be the next Vincent Van Gough [pronounced Goff, not Go, dear America].  Obviously, that didn’t happen.

I've always liked to colour and it's been a while, but adult colouring books are everywhere at the moment. Apparently it's a thing now.  I've seen a few around and they're usually full of flowers and puppies and other cutsie things which are okay, but don't really peak my interest that much.  Not so now.  This little beauty right here is perfect for me - right up my street, as it were.

The only really true 'adult' colouring book I've seen so far.

Yes, it's a real adult book totally chock full of sweary pictures and affirmations.  What the heck?

The book is quite small actually, 8" x 8" but I suppose that's so it can fit into your bag and you can have a sneaky colouring session wherever you are.  [Don't foget your crayons]

It’s got some great colouring pages, and this one just made me feel at home.  (I am English and Rawr, I will). (??)

If I were to be a little negative about this book though, its that some of the lines are really, really thick and it takes away from the picture.  But perhaps it's designed like that because, after all, we're not all Van Gough are we?

If you want a copy, you can get it here.

Wedding Traditions - UK v. USA

I know I’ve been beating this topic to death recently, but I promise this will be the last mention of weddings… no, really, it will.

I recently came across an infographic showing the differences between American and English weddings.  I hadn’t really thought too much about it while planning my own, I just knew what I wanted and, well, went for it.

Starting at the beginning:

The Engagement:

In the United Kingdom, apparently the average length of an engagement is between 16 months and 2 years.  In America, it’s only 13 to 18 months.  Personally, mine was about 6 or 7 years!  We Brits like to make sure we’ve got it right, I think.  

Just after I was engaged, I was constantly asked “So, when’s the big day?” and I didn’t have an answer.  Just because you’re engaged, in my opinion, doesn’t mean you have to rush off down the aisle.  I’ve worked with people who have been engaged and married within a year.  As soon as that ring passed the knuckle, the cash register started ringing and there was no holding back.  

The Cost:

According to a survey by The Wedding Secret, the average cost of a wedding in England is £21,000 [$27,300].  Quite pricey.  In the USA the average is $32,641.

Note:  This is the average price - I've seen quite a few that have cost a whole lot more!

[I would like take this moment to point out to my hubby that he got a bargain and I am rather thrifty, contrary to what he may believe.]

PRE-PRE-WEDDING

Ahh, the fancy named “Bridal Shower” where basically you invite as many people as you can to your house (or some other lush location) and ask them to bring presents.  Usually, its just women who go to these things.  I’ve never been to one myself, but apparently weird games are played which may involve wrapping the bride-to-be in toilet roll to make a wedding dress.  A bit odd really.  I think it’s just an excuse to get early wedding presents if you ask me.  Hopefully, alcohol is provided, because I couldn’t imagine going to one if there wasn’t.  

I’ve been away from England for too long to know if there is such a thing there, but I’m sure it’s gradually sneaking over.

No, just no!

PRE-WEDDING

UK – The Hen Night

Basically a big 'girl’s night out' which may, or may not, involve loads of alcohol and scantily clad men (aka male strippers).  Also, there may be a pub crawl.  On second thoughts, there will definitely be alcohol.  There will probably be some crying, throwing up and declarations of love to the bride-to-be (and quite possibly to the aforementioned strippers)

Classy English!

USA – The Bachelorette Party

While I’ve never actually been to one, I’ve heard they are quite similar, although pubs aren't really involved.  They get a bit more expensive too as they tend to be at fancy places like wineries (possibly in a limo) and there may also be a whole weekend away.  There also always seems to be a 'theme' and everyone has to dress the same.  The Maid of Honour and bridesmaids have to pay.

Always a bit matchy-matchy

I didn’t have either – although I’m thinking a pub crawl would have been nice, but living in the USA pubs are few and far between and definitely there are not enough to crawl to.

THE CEREMONY

UK

• The groom has his back to the congregation and does not get to watch the bride walk down the aisle, so it's a bit of a surprise when she gets there.
• The bride walks down the aisle before her bridesmaids (otherwise how will someone hold her train?)
• The wedding party (i.e. bridesmaids, etc) sit down with the congregation during the ceremony.

Bridesmaids definitely behind the bride

USA

• The groom faces the congregation so he can watch the bride walk down the aisle and presumably notice if she falls on her face.
• The bride walks down the aisle after the bridesmaids.  (Then who holds the aforementioned train?)
• The wedding party stands for the entire ceremony.

THE RECEPTION

UK

The sit down meal is the main point of the day.  Getting a fancy meal you don’t have to pay for, makes it all worth while.  Not until later, after the speeches are complete and the cake is cut does anyone get up and dance.  I’m wondering if this is, in fact, because nobody wants to make a fool of themselves until they’ve had a couple of glasses of wine?  You know, British reserve and all that.

USA

As soon as the bride and groom enter the dining room, they have to dance.  They don’t even get a chance for a quick swig of champagne.  Everyone has to wait until they’re finished until the meal is served, which tends to be a lot shorter than those in the UK.  Many people actually get up and dance between courses (the cheek of it!).  

THE CAKE

UK

British wedding cakes are traditionally made of fruit cake and are tiered with anything from one tier to pretty much as many as your baker can get to balance.  Three seems to be the magic number though.  Each tier has little pillars holding each layer.  Obviously, butter icing is not a thing.  Nice hard Royal icing holds the shape.  

Very 1970's style

USA

Most American cakes are made of sponge with butter icing (or frosting) and are ‘stacked’ which pretty much means they are just put on top of each other.  Then there’s the awful tradition of feeding each other a piece of cake, which invariably ends up being smooshed into someone’s face.  [see this post here for my views on that malarkey]

Clearly, I am generalizing here and not everyone has a massive wedding, but if you want to go traditional and all out, then you might want to get saving your pennies because wherever you live, it’s going to cost a bob or two.

My wedding was in no way what you would call “traditional” being in Las Vegas, but I did sneak in a little bit of jolly old England.  I changed the wording to the old fashioned Church of England vows which include “love, honour and obey” and you can imagine what reaction I got to that little word. [*smile*].  

I’m just an old fashioned romantic at heart.  

The Big Day

Ahh… so the wedding day arrived.

I thought the morning was going to be lovely and relaxing, a right old pampering day for me.  What was I thinking?  This is me, I know how the rest of the wedding planning went, and it wasn’t really smooth, was it?

Nope, no wedding morning bliss for me, we had to go shopping.  Not shopping for lacy undies and bridal accessories, the nice kind of shopping, but bloody groceries!  We had to find a Costco so we could pick up beers, cakes and anything else we had forgotten – all the necessary party stuff.  Yes, we could have gone there the night before but the other half had just driven three hours to Vegas and had a cold, so you know ... men. [*sigh*]

I also remembered I was responsible for decorating the suite.  Yes, we went all fancy and a got an actual suite – mainly because we were having the reception there and thought that having people squash into a normal room would be a bit tacky, what with not being able to swing a cat and the only actual sitting area being the bed.  So decorate I did….[You might see a theme here]

Yes, I went full on American/British.

Well that all got done and I did a bit of faffing around (as you do) and suddenly it was 2:00 p.m. Oops… I had to be at the chapel at 4:00 p.m. and there I was not showered, not thinking about getting ready and actually, not doing anything.  The ‘girls’ showed up and it was mass hysteria for a full on two hours!  Can you imagine, five women, one tiny girl and a 6 year old boy who insisted on taking photographs of everybody and everything every twenty seconds.  Not the calmest of places in the world.

I was stressing, crying, laughing and crying some more.  Then I started shouting at everyone and at that moment, I realized it was probably time for me to leave.  Actually it was past the time I should have left  as it was now gone 4:00 p.m. and I was late.

I jumped in the lift and ran through the hotel to the chapel.  Thank God I wasn’t in all my finery as I ran around a corner smack dab into my husband-to-be and all his groomsmen who were supposed to be there 20 minutes after me.  [another oops moment].

Finally making it, I was calmed down and shoved into a dressing room, which in all honesty was a bit fab.  Private toilet, lots of mirrors, perfumes, powders and potions and my dress and shoes were there ready for me.  The only thing missing was a couple of shot glasses and a bottle of tequila, which in hindsight would have probably been a disaster.   Oh, and it turns out my shoes were actually too big and I had to stuff the toes with toilet roll – very classy!  Thank goodness I didn’t opt for open toed shoes.  [*smiles*]

Eventually everyone got there, final primping was done, pre-wedding photographs were taken and it was time to get this thing going.  Obviously, I was still bawling and shaking like a leaf, which made my dad tear up and we both ended up walking down the aisle with wadded up tissues – again, quite classy.

Then, in what felt like twenty seconds, it was all over and I was a married lady.  I’m sure it was longer than that, but who knows?  It was Las Vegas after all.

At about that time we all subconsciously let our breath out and the party began.

Do I look happy? (that it's all over)

I’ve now been married for six weeks (not that I’m counting or anything) and for the lack of something better to say and not really wanting to sound like a McDonald’s advert…. I’m Loving It!!

Sticking to my roots!

Wedding Weight Problems

You know when you're trying to lose a bit of weight to get into a dress for a special occasion?  Well that's what I've been doing.  The only problem is my family have been here for a week and of course they brought me all kinds of goodies .... Marmite crisps, Mini Cheddars, Galaxy chocolate, Jammie Dodgers ... Mmmmmm..... So there went that plan.  

I've now got four days before I get married and I've put on pretty much all the weight I lost.  I'm not really one of those avid dieters or calorie counters but I couldn't get my dress done up when it arrived so I had to do something.  I am now afraid it won't fit again on Saturday.  Whoops ... 

Even a day at Disneyland with these hoards of people won't move any of that excess poundage, I'm afraid.

But you know what?  Those CurleyWurleys are just too good to resist!  [And anyway, that's what safety pins are for, isn't it?]

No Wedding Cake for Me!

Is it too late to change the theme of the wedding only one month before the ceremony?

I asked this question to my other half and he mumbled something about “Whatever floats your boat.” I have the distinct impression he doesn’t care one way or another. [*sigh*]

What prompted this?  Well, I was talking to my sister the other day and she asked me about our wedding cake and I told her I wasn’t having one and she was quite shocked.  When I told her why, she understood entirely.  It’s because of this:

Photo by wedding photographer Babs Evangelista.

This is the most godawful, crazy, terrible American tradition which would be right up the Mr’s alley. He would love nothing better than to smash cake into my face, the joker that he is.  Can you imagine how you would feel on the best day of your life with perfect makeup and hair and a (probably quite expensive) wedding dress and then some bugger smashes cake all over you?  Not a pleasant thought and I just don’t understand the American idea that your day is not complete until you have cake in your hair!

Obviously, it got me thinking.  A traditional British wedding cake with fruitcake and Royal icing couldn’t be smooshed onto me (without fear of knocking me out) so maybe…..

A search of the internet did not bring up any English cake makers in Los Angeles, obviously, but I did find a whole heap of British-American themed wedding ideas on Pinterest (Yes, I’ve been sucked into there also) and now I want to change my theme, not that I actually had one, mind you.  I want British-American Save-the-Dates and invitations [oops, too late], a Union Jack wedding dress [definitely too late] and a cake.  The Mr. is just taking it all in, knowing I’m dreaming and rolling his eyes!

But really, how could he not absolutely love one of these??  [*grin*]

The Problem with the American Office

The problem with the America office (apart from the atrocious spelling, obviously) is this:
                             

Yes, those are goosepimples (or goosebumps as they say in the good ol USofA).

It seems like the minute the mercury moves up the tube, the air conditioning is cranked up (or should that be down?) and I have to sit at my desk freezing my backside off with my little heater barely taking the edge off.  I can try to turn the thermostat down, but there’s always that one person who complains “waaa... it’s too hot” and turns it back up.  I sometimes wonder what’s wrong with everyone. I’m sure it must have something to do with growing up with air conditioning that you get used to being freezing all the time.

The worst thing though?  If you plan on going out to dinner and see this on your phone, you have to think, “Oh, I must remember to take a coat” because not only are offices bloody freezing, every single restaurant is like a meat locker!  [And then they try and force you to drink iced water]

Partly cloudy??

Oh how I miss summers in England without the merest hint of air conditioning.  At least if it get’s a bit warm, we can open a window!

Wedding Planning - Part 2

If you read my post a while ago about the terrible time I’m having planning my wedding, this is a second installment.  If you didn’t read it, here it is.

Anyway, when we left off, I was up to the “Save the Date” part.  They’d gone out and now people think it was the invitation.  Since that time though it’s been pretty much radio silence.  A couple of people left a message on our wedding website [yes, we have one of those too *sigh*] and that’s it.

So what have I been doing, you may ask.  Well, this time around I’m having bridesmaids - I know, its only a Vegas wedding, but still.  My daughter, obviously, is one and so is my sister.  But that left my daughter’s very best friend (who’s like a daughter) having nothing to do, so I made her one too.  The other half wanted his family in the wedding, so now there’s a best man and two grooms men, both his grandchildren.  (Can you see where this is going?)  What about my tiny niece and nephew?  Yup – flower girl and ring bearer… and on it goes.  I’m rethinking that Westminster Abbey reservation as I write…

Of course, I’m supposed to be saving as much money as I can on this wedding – it is not going to be a Charles and Diana affair (oh, there’s the Abbey gone).  So for bridesmaid dresses my daughter suggested going to the Los Angeles garment district where you can buy stuff for cheap, cheap, cheap. Unfortunately, this time of year is Prom time and it looked like this:

It's flippin' pandemonium down there!

Whatever, I used to go to football matches every Saturday, so I’m used to pushing my way through crowds.  *smile*  

Would you believe it, we actually found a dress they liked in record time.  They tried it on, loved the fit and we asked if they had it in the colour we wanted.  “Oh yes, of course we do” they said, “We will order it and you can pick it up” they said.  Hooray you say.  Well, not so… it turns out the person who told us that was not the boss.  “Oh no” said the boss, “they don’t do it in that colour.. how about white?” he said.  Whaaaaa…..!!  Typical – nothing goes right, does it?  The expression ‘Too Good to Be True’ was running through my head.

Not to be discouraged we took the name of the manufacturer, went home and did what any reasonable person would do nowadays – we Googled.  And I only found it on Amazon didn’t I?  But sadly not in the right colour …. And this is where it gets interesting (just in case you were nodding off)

No, I do not want white!

I emailed them, yes they can get it in the colour I want and will make it specially, send the measurements. … so I did (well, one at least).  Turns out they were in China and yes, we’ve all heard the horror stories about beautiful dresses from China looking like rags when they arrive.  Well, after waiting a few weeks the dress turned up and *Drum Roll* it was bloody perfect.  The colour is exactly what I wanted and it fit my daughter like a glove.  Nice one China!

A few texts and email messages later, I got the measurements and gleefully ordered the other two dresses.  Fingers crossed they would get here as quickly as the other one.  And they did – except – and it’s a big except.. they are a DIFFERENT colour!!  Well, that’s a bit dramatic, they are actually a different shade, not a different colour, but at this stage, who’s arguing.  *Cue tears*

So for the last week I have been emailing to China to try and sort it out.  Apparently they no longer have the same colour material they made the first dress out of, not sure how they could have run out so fast, but whatever.  They can make me a new one in the colour of the other two, so let’s see what happens.  

My fingers are crossed, as are my legs, toes and eyes.  I’m going crazy and my daughter’s helpful comment on the whole situation?  “Well, what do you expect when you order from China?”

Thanks, thanks a lot!

Another Brit Style Mother's Day

Another year, another Mother’s Day, another British Pub.  What could be better?  Just about nothing, that’s what.  This year we tried Ye Olde King’s Head in Santa Monica.  

The Olde King’s Head has been in Santa Monica since 1974 so it’s got to be quite good to last that long – oh and it was.  They have a pub, a restaurant and a gift shop [Shoppe].  Obviously, I had to pop into the gift shop and pick up some delicacies before we left.  Actually, I only got some Bisto, but I could have spent a ton.  

Anyway, back to the restaurant.  We got there about 1:30 p.m. and it was busy, being Mother’s day and all and of course we didn’t have a reservation.  They have two rooms and an outside patio so there was room for us anyway.  The wind was blowing like anything so the outside patio was not our choice. It would have been nice though, as you can see the sea from there… yup, it’s just like being in Brighton! Sort of.

So as we sat down and looked at the menu it became increasingly obvious that we had no idea what to choose.  Everything looked so tasty.  Did I want a Sunday dinner, pasty and chips or a Steak, Guinness and Mushroom pie?  What a flippin’ dilemma, albeit a good one.  (I actually wanted them all).

What to choose?

I eventually narrowed it down and had the roast lamb Sunday dinner and my daughter went for the pasty with mashed potatoes instead of chips.  Both were bloody delicious and also bloody huge!  I have to admit that I am very ashamed of myself.  I could not finish my dinner, although I gave it my best effort.  There was so much there.  The only downside was that there wasn't enough gravy - but then I like my food swimming in it, to be fair.  I'm sure if I had asked, I would have been given more.

The place is actually quite fantastic.  When you walk in it’s as if you’ve just gone through a magic door to England.  British memorabilia everywhere, photographs, pictures, knick knacks – it was just like being at my nan’s house! *smile*  All of the waitresses we spoke to, or heard were English and the manager/boss was a very loud, very gregarious Liverpudlian.  We didn’t actually get a chance to talk with him as he was everywhere, making sure people were okay.   I heard him before I actually saw him and turned around expecting him to be the stereotypical Scouser complete with afro, mustache and tracksuit.  He did not look like that – at all!  

I will definitely be going back for the Afternoon Tea.  We kept eyeing the serving racks full of cream cakes and deliciousness passing by our table.  I took a photo of one of their flyers – they have sausage rolls and quiche and cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches and cream tea… oh my goodness, I could go on.  I’m drooling a little.

If you want to try this place, here’s a link:  www.yeoldekingshead.com  

Being at the seaside, we decided to take a stroll down to the seafront and along the pier (as you do). Once again, it was very noticeable that we were not, in fact, in Brighton.  Although it was quite chilly and very windy, there were a few distinct differences.  Look at that beach – definitely not England. Although there was a big wheel on the pier, but no penny arcade or bumper cars, and definitely no rock.

This is NOT Brighton

No rock, but there is a Big Wheel

This is not a paid review, but I had to share because it's great.  And also, I can't not post a picture of the other present I got.  My daughter seems to know me so well!!

It's for the wall in my office!!

The Day I Choked at the London Marathon

To an American, reading that heading, it sounds like I was actually running IN the London marathon and that I choked (aka failed).  Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I couldn’t run it if I wanted to, but I just have never actually wanted to. *grin*

CHOKE – Informal – to fail to achieve something, especially because you lose confidence.

American English synonyms or related words for this sense of choke

To fail, or to stop being successful: to go tits-up, fail, flounder, languish, backfire, fizzle,

miss, collapse, flop, crash

Oh no, this was something entirely different, indeed.

It was during one of the first marathons they ran, maybe year two or three, yes a long time ago.  I was at that time a regular programme seller at Chelsea Football Club and for some reason, we were asked to sell programmes at the London Marathon.  I thought it weird at the time that anyone would want to pay £5 for a book of what basically was a long list of names of people you’ve never heard of.  In hindsight though, I realize that if you were actually in a marathon, you might want a programme so you could show you did something with your life.  A souvenir of the day, if you will, aside from the blisters and shiny tin foil blanket you get at the end of the race (if you make it to the end of the race, that is)

Anyhoo, I had been wandering around all morning selling my wares when a few of us got together and decided to stop for a quick bite to eat.  (Translation, we were going to eat the packed lunches we took with us).   Now you should remember this was quite a while ago, long before those fancy insulated lunch boxes were invented so our sandwiches were probably squashed at the bottom of a duffle bag with a leaky bottle of coke.  But who cares when you’re starving, eh?  I remember very clearly though that I had a Viscount mint chocolate biscuit.  That was a mistake I still regret to this day….  

These are made by the Devil

I think we were standing across the street from Kings Cross Station and we were next to a boarded up construction site.  It’s not actually necessary for you to know that, nor part of the story, but I remember it with such clarity it’s like it all happened yesterday.  I had eaten my sarnies and bit into my Viscount and for some reason, I managed to get most of the biscuit in one bite.  No problem, you say, just chew it a bit.  But that’s the problem right there… I actually swallowed the thing practically whole.  And what happens when you try and swallow something that doesn’t fit?  Yes, it gets stuck. And did it get stuck…. Crikey, that thing got wedged in my throat sideways and I could not get it moved either up or down.  Try as I might, I could not swallow.

You have to remember, I was young, I was with lads who I only ever saw on a Saturday for a couple of hours and I was British – so I wasn’t going to make a fuss.  So what was a girl to do?  I wasn’t going to ask for help from basically strangers.  So I stood there, choking and turning blue, trying my best to clear the blockage by swallowing and coughing and not one of those blooming boys even glanced in my direction and even if they had, I’m sure they would have looked away just as quickly. You know how boys are!

So as I was choking for what seemed like three hours, by some miracle, something happened that dislodged the biscuit.  I think the chocolate perhaps melted, but I was able to swallow the entire piece. Mind you, it felt like I was swallowing a 2 by 4.

How embarrassing would this have been?

I have never been so relieved.  I would say my life flashed before my eyes, but it really didn’t, I was far to embarrassed for that.  I can just remember thinking “I’m going to choke to death and these boys don’t care!”  Obviously, once I’d swallowed that devil’s biscuit and realized that my throat was not in fact bleeding and torn I carried on as if nothing had happened.  Because, well, stiff upper lip and all that.  I didn’t mention it, they didn’t mention it and to this day, I don’t know whether anyone saw what was happening.  But I tell you what, my throat was sore for about a fortnight and I’ve never eaten one of those biscuits again!

British Television Phrases Americans Will Never Understand

There are a few phrases that practically every English person knows (and possibly loves) that tend to stick in your mind.  I have a few and they've nearly all come from adverts, or at least off the telly. Here's a few I use all the time.

I think we actually had this television.

That's Handy 'Arry

When something’s going brilliantly or you find something you’re looking for in the first place you look thats, well, handy.  I use this phrase all the time, mostly without even thinking about it.  The first couple of hundred times, the mister would look at me like I was mad, but it’s apparently made an impression because I’ve once or twice heard him mutter it too.  [Sometimes I even add the "stick it in the oven"]

Luvley Jubley

Ahh…. The immortal words of Del Boy.  I’m sure there’s nobody who hasn’t uttered this once in a while.  Luvley Jubbly just about sums up any brilliant moment.  In my case, this one usually refers to food.  I’m not sure if there is an American equivalent of this phrase – perhaps “Awesome” but that just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?  

Oh and obviously, you have to rub your hands together while saying it.

OooEee Mr. Shifter

I am ashamed to say that I have actually used this phrase a few times.  Funnily enough, it's generally when we're trying to get a particularly large item of furniture up the stairs.  [Sounds like we do that all the time, doesn't it? ... we don't]  I always tend to end up on the back end and panic when I think I'm going to be squished.

Can ya Ride Tandem?

These monkeys apparently made a great impression on my during my youth.  I have no idea why I say this, except maybe it's just funny, oh and the mister rides a bike.  Not a tandem, mind you, a bloomin' great Harley Davidson, so it just tickles me just a bit.

I know these two adverts aren't politically correct nowadays, what with all the animal rights activists and PETA, but you've got to admit that in their time they were brilliant.

Does anyone else have a long forgotten phrase they use frequently?  If so, remind us....

Hello... It's Me

It’s been a while since I’ve actually posted a blog… and for anyone who cares – I’m sorry!!

You may have thought I was taking a sabbatical (which is basically a fancy word meaning I couldn’t be arsed to write anything) but that is definitely not the case.  I have, in fact, been terribly busy on other stuff.  Doesn’t that sound intriguing?

Well here goes – I’m only bloody getting married, aren’t I??  Yeah, yeah, we’ve been together for ages - years in fact, but I finally broke him down and he agreed to an actual wedding date.  I’m not really that Machiavellian of course, although he may feel he was duped into it.  [*sorry, babe*]  Let’s just say, the events leading up to it may feel like they had been planned, but truly, they weren’t.

So what have I been doing, you ask?  Well, let’s put it this way – I’ve never had a “proper” wedding before so this is all new to me.  My first disaster wedding was at the local registry office with a six month old baby on my hip and less than ten people there.  My wedding cake was a Black Forest Gateaux (yes, really)… and don’t even ask what I wore!  [I had to borrow money to buy it]  It was not my best day ever…

So discussing this one,  and it being a second marriage for the both of us, we decided we would do the most American thing we could (in my opinion anyway) – we’re getting married in Las Vegas!! Obviously, I have put my foot down and we most definitely will NOT be married by Elvis Presley, nor will it be in a drive-through wedding chapel.  I still have some class, you know. [*smirk*]  So the MGM Grand it is. (See, very classy!)

This is NOT happening

My first mistake (and there have been a few so far) is that I looked up a list of what you’re supposed to do to get ready for a wedding.  I signed up for a wedding planning website - Oh dear, I opened a flippin’ Pandora’s box which I have been trying to escape from for a month now.  There’s a “To Do” list which showed me I had about 100 items overdue.  Overdue?  Really, I only just decided to get married for goodness sake.  Well, apparently, these things are supposed to be planned years in advance.  Oh.

Ah, what the heck, I just ticked off stuff I wouldn’t be doing – you know, arranging travel for the guests and booking/paying for hotel rooms for everyone.  Who even does this?  As if weddings aren’t expensive enough as it is.  Oh, and jeepers, I’ve seen some women on the forums who are spending an absolute fortune and are whining about the smallest possible things.  Really, does it matter if your invitations were printed in an oh-so-slightly darker shade than you wanted?  [Apparently it really, really does].  

Then there’s a guest list creator.. who knew that would be so hard.  It’s Las Vegas so it should be a small wedding right?  Nope.  By the time you remember family and close friends and people you want in the wedding and people you should invite, but don’t really want to but you have to, and then other friends who you wouldn't say were 'close' but would be offended it they weren't invited, it all adds up**. For a little Las Vegas wedding, we are now up to about 50 people.  Not that big in the whole scheme of things, but I feel like I probably should have booked Westminster Abbey at this rate.

Westminster Abbey - I know I could fill it

Then there are “Save the Dates.”  Now I’m not sure if these are a specifically America thing, but I don’t remember ever, in my whole life, having received one in the mail.  But then again, it’s not as if I’m going to weddings every week either.  Although I hadn't really heard of them and seeing as I am now sucked into that wedding web, I decided to send them anyway, obviously.  Of course, being the cheapo I am, I made them myself, which may sound tacky, but I think I made a good job of them, even if I say so myself!  But now I’m confused because everyone who got one thinks it’s the actual invitation *sigh*

I really don’t know what the heck I’m doing…. So stay tuned as there will be a second installment to this wedding caper post.

** For any of my family and friends reading this, you are definitely NOT on either the 'don't want to invite' or  the 'would be offended list'  :-)

The American Office

So you’ve decided to move to America, get a job and live your life in the sun. Fine, but what about when you actually start work? [I’m talking about in an office here]  Do you really know what you’re getting yourself into? I thought so too, I mean, how hard can it possibly be? Americans speak English, so there’s absolutely no problem.  How wrong I was.  

I have commented a little on this before in this post HERE.

Computer keyboards and spelling were the very least of my problems, I quickly found out. Walking into an American office is like being in a whole new world. They’ve got their own words for absolutely everything. Here are a few:

CV aka Curriculum Vitae:    You won’t be providing your CV at a job interview, you will have to have a Resumé. Of course, it’s basically the same thing, but you know those crazy Americans!  In my experience, the only people who have a Curriculum Vitae are doctors, because apparently they are special.

Pay Rise:    It might take you a while to get one, but if you are going to ask for one, don’t forget to ask for a Raise.  I’m sure you will be understood, but you really don’t want to chance it, do you?

Make Redundant:    There’s always the possibility that if you ask for too many raises, you will be Laid Off, which I don’t actually think is a reason you can be sacked (Fired or Dismissed), but you never know.

Square Brackets:    Sounds simple enough, but not in the good old USA.  Square brackets are known as Brackets. Somewhat confusing,  but what makes it worse is to us Brits, [these] are "square brackets," and (these) are “brackets” - to Americans [these] are “brackets” and (these) are “parentheses”.  I was once very confused about all this. I was working as a medical transcriptionist the first time I ever heard anyone say 'parentheses.' I had to ask what he was saying because I thought it was some terrible disease.  [true story]

Curly Braces:    Yes, of course there’s a different name for {these} too.  They are just Braces.

Sellotape:    Although this is the largest manufacturer of sticky tape in the UK, apparently they haven’t reached America.  Scotch Tape is the biggest seller here, so that’s what it’s called.  

Tippex:    The same can be said about Tippex.  Try asking for it here and you will get a blank stare. Probably the same kind of stare you would get from someone who’s been sniffing the stuff. [It does smell nice though, doesn’t it?]  It’s called Liquid Paper here (a bit obvious, if you ask me) Apparently, so the rumour goes, it was invented by the mum of one of the Monkees.  Ask anyone here and they will tell you so.

The original 'old school' bottle

Tick:    You know, the thing you use when you’re taking a multiple choice test and you have to a tick the right answer.  If someone in America asks you to check the box, don’t be looking around the room for the box they want you to check.  A check or check-mark is really a tick.

Drawing-Pin:    This one actually makes a bit of sense.  Thumb-tack does actually describe it a bit better, after all you don’t actually draw with a drawing pin, do you?

Bank Holiday:    Those days that you count down to on the calendar because you get a day off work and can drink.  In America, it’s just called a holiday even though the banks are, actually, closed too. Mind you, just because it’s on the calendar, doesn’t mean you will be lucky enough to have the day off.  A lot of holidays are not recognized by everyone.

Holiday:    You know, the fortnight in the summer that you also count down to.  It’s a vacation here and it never seems to be two weeks.  It is quite frowned upon to actually take a whole two weeks off at the same time. You seem to have to take a week here and there or a Monday or Friday for a long weekend.

Guillotine:    This has to be the best sounding piece of office equipment ever, doesn’t it?  Just makes you think of all those heads falling into baskets.  The first time I asked for one here, I got looked at like I could be an axe murderer. You want a what?? What are you going to do, are you angry at someone? Nope, I just need to cut some paper, please.  Oh, the disappointment when I found out it was called a Paper Cutter.  How dreadfully boring! (but also a bit obvious)

Not exactly what I was looking for

Oh, and just so you know, all offices look like this - the cubicle nightmare:

No, I am not kidding. (Okay, maybe I might be).

Let me know if you have heard any other weird/different names for everyday office stuff .

Oh Good Grief - It's National Hugging Day!

Today in America it’s National Hugging Day… yes, you did read that right, it’s a day that celebrates hugging. [*shudders*]

I can hear all British expats in the USA right now actually cringing.  This is going to be a day to stay in bed, I think, or at least not venture out of the house just in case you are suddenly accosted by some random stranger who wants to hug you.  [*gulp*]  How absolutely appalling.

This is just Not British!  I don’t understand why there needs to be a whole day of celebration and I’m sure I’m not the only one with that British aversion to hugging.  Why hug when a good old “How do you do?” and perfectly fine handshake will suffice.  But then Americans find us a bit standoffish and rude if we don’t hug.  

It has taken me a long time to get used to the fact that I will be hugged whether I like it or not.  To compound the fact, my fiancé is in a motorcycle club and their culture is to take anyone into an embrace or bear hug to say hello.  For the first few years, I would stand stiffly with my hands at my sides and kind of grimace.  It was a bit like being hugged by an ancient uncle whom you had never met, who kind of smelled like mothballs, and clutched you to his chest a wee bit long for your liking. So very uncomfortable.

I have tended to get over my phobia a little though, I pretty much had to, being around bikers so much.  I was once informed I was a bit of a snooty b*tch, to which my only reply was, “Well, I’m English, that’s how we are.”  [Sorry England]

So true!

So I’m just going to say once and for all “I’m sorry America that I don’t hug as much as you would like, go ahead and have your Hugging Day, but please, please, please do NOT include me!” [and certainly don't try to touch me]

Thank you.

New year, New ....?

.. Well not exactly new me.  I ended the year as a gobby cow (as usual) and began it in the same way. Obviously not my fault...

We were in a bar (not a pub) who had decided it would be a good idea to have karaoke for New Year's Eve. Not brilliant on a normal day, in my opinion, but it takes all sorts.  

So there we are, a couple of minutes to midnight when up steps probably the worst "singer" in the place. (Singer being used in the loosest meaning of the word here).  And he wailed and he whined his way through some awful rendition of something.  

All the while the televisions have been on in the background and the pre-recorded ball drop from New York begins - and he just kept on going.  

5... 4.... "Stop Singing" I shouted, 3....  "Shut Up" ....2.... "STOP" .... 1!  Too late.  

And then it was midnight and he just kept right on going.  Talk about ruin the moment.  Party poppers were being pulled, noise makers were being blown, there was cheering, clapping and kissing and there he was in the background screaming to be heard!  

By this time I wanted to take his microphone and stick it where the sun don't shine.  Of course, I didn't because I'm much too nice to do that.  I just stood and moaned to everyone around me.

But what do I know, it might have been on his bucket list to bring in the new year crooning to a bar full of people, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt.  I just wish I didn't have to be a witness to it. [*smile*]

Oh, and of course there was a fight. I don't think it was as a result of the karaoke, possibly just too much alcohol,  but then it wouldn't be a proper New Year's Eve without a fight  would it?

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Picture courtesy Metro.co.uk