Thursday, April 24, 2014

Toilet Humour - A Letter to America

Dear America,
Something has been bothering me for a while now.  Why are your toilets so low to the ground?  And why, oh why, is the gap under the door so big?  That gap is huge for heaven's sake!  I’m sure other people using the toilets can see my knees - it’s very unnerving.  I don’t want complete strangers to see all my unmentionables.  [And I won't even mention the gaps around the door]
The first restaurant toilet (or restroom) I ever used in the USA was an experience, to say the least.  First of all, it was all fancy and had wallpaper and dimmed lights, very soothing.  Then there were the toilet seat covers.  Wow, a little cover to put on the seat, how very civilized.  
But then I went to sit down… Oh, it was so very low.  I fell so fast I firmly hit my bum on the seat and I think my derriere nearly hit the water.  What a shock – I think my feet came off the floor too!  Nobody warned me that the toilets were so low.  Now I see why you have the seat covers – you can’t do the “squat” that we ladies have all perfected in England, you have to sit on a public seat.  Eeeww.  And with your knees up to your chin no less!   

[I tried the squat a few times and trust me, unless you're a gymnast with legs of steel, the toilets are way too low for you to hold that squat long enough to completely empty your bladder] 
You can see my knees!
So obviously, I inevitably went back to England for a visit and totally forgot how high the toilets were over there.  I did the whole thing in reverse and ended up on the seat with a thud and Oh Good Grief… they don’t have seat covers!!!  
So thank you, thank you America for making me all germophobic and paranoid.  I’m beginning to feel like I should take a tape measure into the toilet with me so I can measure the height before I sit.
Yours faithfully,

Which way round?
P.S.  Oh, by the way, which way around does the toilet seat cover go?  Does the little flap thingy go in the back or in the front??  After 20 years, I still can’t figure it out.

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