What NOT to do in England

Having been in London for a fortnight with my fiancé who has never been to England, it was quite funny watching him try to understand the culture.  After having put up with him laughing at me for quite a few years because of my ‘mistakes,’ it was nice to see the shoe on the other foot, as it were.

These were some of the fantastically outstanding moments of our holiday

The Local Fete

If you happen to go to a perfectly English fete and there just happens to be a group reenacting the Civil War (which is a bit random, if you ask me) and you decide that you really, really need to talk to them because you are American and they are kind of “your people”, do not, I repeat do not shout out “The south will rise again!!!”  This just makes people really quite uncomfortable and take a couple of steps away from you.  People who go to local fetes tend not to know what to do.  The poor reenactment man was a little surprised too…

England - or America??

The Underground

When you have picked up a copy of the free morning newspaper, you do not need to read out loud to your fellow tube travelers the stories that interest you.  Although we appreciate how funny some of them are, it just makes us cringe to be so, well, loud while on the underground.  Yes, the trains are noisy, but do you see anyone else talking?  It just doesn’t happen.  The underground is not a social place – we don’t like to talk to strangers, or even anyone we are traveling with actually.  If we must talk to our friends, it is done in a hushed whisper.  Do not draw attention to yourself, that would be terrible.

Oh and FYI – this also goes for over ground trains too.  You will be quietly "tsk, tsk'd" if you are so bold as to talk loudly (or at all).

Shhh... No talking!

Fast Food

When you are in a fast food restaurant (let’s say Kentucky Fried Chicken, just for the heck of it... not that it was KCF, but it might have been) you should probably not expect the menu to be the same.  Just because you like a certain meal deal in America, doesn’t mean they will have it in England.  You probably shouldn’t get mad because (a) you can’t see what you wanted to order; (b) the person behind the counter has no idea what you're trying to order; (c) you have no idea what the gentleman with the extremely strong Indian accent is saying and (d) your order, when you do get it is wrong.  Just saying..

Walking

Look right, then left, then right again.  Not the other way around.  I don’t know how many times I had to put my arm out to stop someone (my fiancé) from getting himself run over because he was looking the wrong way.  It sometimes even tells you on the floor which way to look for goodness sake!

 

Driving

Don’t keep trying to get in the driver's side of the car, especially if you’re not the driver.  It makes you look a bit silly (and, in fact, I now know what people think when I still try to get in the wrong side of the car in America).  Also, don’t slam your foot on the imaginary brake pedal every time a car comes towards you.  It’s okay, you’re a passenger – the driver’s got it all under control.  *smile*

Now, I know he will read this (he better had) and I want to tell him I love him to bits, but it was just so funny watching all his confusion.  I just can't wait to go back and do it all over again!

Holiday Photos

I've been away on holiday for a couple of weeks, so haven't been able to post for a while.  Not because I didn't have access to a computer or internet, but because I went "home" and there was just too much joy in my life for me to be able to think about anything else.  There were also many, many pork pies, sausage rolls, Marmite flavour Crisps, Mini Cheddars, Flakes and Lucozades to be consumed.  Well, pretty much anything I hadn't seen in the last few years was up for noshing.  I don't think there was anything I didn't eat, to be honest!

 

I'm back now and have been a bit busy the last couple of days.  Not lazy, busy.  I have not got jetlag, no I don't (no really, I don't).  *smile*

 

So because you might have been missing me... here's a few holiday photos.  Did I say I was acting like a tourist while I was there?  Yup - totally touristy and brilliant.  The weather was even lovely and I am not joking about that - it was hot!  (and very, very muggy and sweaty - but who cares, eh?)

 

 

The Shard

Yes, sunny Brighton Beach!

 

 

Quintissential London Phone Box



 

Does it look touristy enough?  I was with my American fiance who's never been to England, so I could endulge in all of the tourist stuff without looking like a muppet!  It was the best time - I just wish I didn't have to come back.  (But here I am)

A Perfectly Awkward English Moment

The other day I popped into the hairdressers for a bit of a trim and to touch up my highlights.

I probably should have begun to get worried when she got out the bleach and began smearing it all over my head.  It did look a little light and not at all like highlights.  “Oh,” she said “this colour is going to look sooo good on you.  It’s looking so pretty!”  By the time my hair had been washed, partially dried and then washed again I was beginning to be really worried.  Oh dear, what was this going to look like? 

Well, as soon as I got back into her chair and she took the towel off my head I found out.  “Don’t you love it?” she gushed.  And then the English kicked in “Ummm.. it’s a bit orange” I managed to mumble somewhat under my breath.  “I can put a darker wash on it if you like” says she.  “Oh no, it’s fine” I said in true British understated anger.  Oh yes, it was fine alright – if you wanted to look like a bloody ginger tom!

I look like this

And then we got to the “trim” which apparently means “Take off three inches” in American speak.  I wanted it back into the A-line bob I previously had – “but not too short” I said.  Well, now I have ginger hair and a haircut that looks like I’m in infants school.  A perfectly (kind of) straight bob, no A-line anywhere to be seen.  An orange bob no less!

 

I wanted to look like this (kind of)

Of course, I’m English so what did I do.  Oh, yes – I said “It’s lovely,” I paid (and left a hefty tip), went home and cried!

It’s not like I’m not going home for a couple of weeks and I have time (a) to get it re-cut and dyed into a better looking shape and colour (b) for it to grow out, (c) for it all to fall out, (d) to shave my head (well, I might have time for this one, but it's a bit drastic)

Oh no, I’m off to Blighty today and I have a birthday party planned with people I haven’t seen for years.  So, no problem there then!  And I’m sure everyone will say “It’s lovely”… they are all British, after all – don’t want to make a scene or upset anyone.

If I was more assertively American, the tip would have been (a) Wear a hat when it’s raining or (b) Don’t eat yellow snow.  But I’m not, and I didn’t and that’s it. 

 

I shall be taking the walk of shame at my own party!

Oh Dear, I Can't Pronounce That!

We all know word pronunciation is different in American and English (even the word pronunciation is pronounced differently), but there are a few words I know I can't say in the American way. They don’t really bother me anymore, but I have had a few issues over the years.

 

Mom

I cannot, no matter how I try, say this word with an "O" in it. When I try, it sounds like I'm saying "Moorm". I just can't get my mouth around it. [It also makes me have odd looking facial expressions].  I have decided to keep using Mum.

It's the Mawwl

Mall
You wouldn’t think this was a hard one, but apparently "Mall" is said in a particularly American way. I was used to saying Mall as in Pall Mall in London. There's no such thing as a shopping mall in England, they're all shopping centres.  In the US Mall is pronounced with an ‘R" in there somewhere, don’t ask me where, I couldn’t tell you, but it’s something similar to "Marrl." I tend to say Mawwl.

Law
Working in a law office, this sometimes gets a bit frustrating (not for me, but for those I work with). Answering the phone and saying Law Offices comes out as "Lore Roffices."  I have been asked why I pronounce it like that, but I have no answer.  In American speak it is said more like "lahh," but I can't make that sound, no matter how much I try. So Lore Roffices it is.  Try it, I bet if you’re British, you can’t do it either.

Pawn/Porn

Yes, I did just go there.  I cannot make these two words sound different.  I can only say "Porn."  Somehow, Americans can change the two words and have them sound like "Porrrn" and "Pawwwwn." So this is a tricky one. You don’t want to tell someone you were watching "Pawn Stars" on the telly and have them think you were watching actual porn stars! Or that you are going to the porn shop to see what they’ve got (not that I’ve ever been into a ‘pawn’ shop, mind you). [A ‘porn’ shop, however, is another story *blush*].

I think it is physically impossible for a British tongue to make them sound like different words. And I know you are trying it now..

Just old junk in here... nothing else

But what about Americans trying to pronounce English words?

There are obviously the words they always pronounce wrong – Worcestershire [Warrr-Sest-Err-Shy-Err] Sauce being the funniest.  But then there’s the other Shires (not sheers), which they say like something out of Lord of the Rings (Wilt-SHY-ERR, Bedford-SHY-ERR, etc). Not to mention Glass-Cow (Glasgow), Moss-Cow (Moscow) and Edin-Burrrrr/Edin-Bro (Edinburgh) . Tsk, tsk.

Having been watching a lot of sport recently [what World Cup? – no comment] I am sick of hearing OOru-gway and then there was Bosnia-Hertzagavna. Oh, and then there's also "Wimbley" that finest of all English footballing venues!

But the worst one, the one that drives me absolutely batty, and they use this on the news, on the radio, in commentary and even people I work with say it … Wimble-TON. Oh good grief! There's a "D" in that word, not a flippin’ "T." I've even heard it with a sneaky "P" in there... "Wimpleton."

Every year, it drives me crazy all over again. So America, Please, please, please say it right, why can’t you??? Wim-Bul-DON!!

Look... there's a "D" in there!

 

Who Bit My Finger ?

I've been a bit preoccupied with a certain sporting event lately. Now it's pretty much all over (for us anyway), I found this and thought I would post. It pretty much sums it all up... with a little chuckle thrown in. [Got to have something to smile about now don't we?]

That's a Bloomin' Big Wall

Having lived in California for coming up to 20 years, and living only about 200 miles from the Mexican border, you would have thought I might have ventured over it once in a while.  But no, I've never actually driven across the border.  Don't get me wrong, I have been to Mexico, but only by plane.  And a jolly good time was has by all, I can tell you.

But there was one time when I very nearly made it across.  Back in the days before we lived here, we came for a holiday to look around and see what we were getting ourselves into.  My dad said we must have the experience of going to Tijuana and seeing the sights... or seeing something.  I think he may have mentioned tequila and perhaps a donkey, but I can't remember that far back, and I'm not sure I want to.

So we all got ready for the big adventure and squeezed ourselves into the car.  Off we tootle down the freeway packed in like sardines.  And we drove... and drove... and drove a bit more.  There wasn't much to see, lots of desert, huge billboards, a few shopping centres dotted here and there and palm trees, lots and lots of palm trees.  After what seemed like an eternity, we arrived in San Diego, just north of the border.  "Not far now" my dad says.  The kids cheer and we all perk up.  "You've got everything we need, right?" he says.  "Including your passports?"

Whaaaa?  Uh oh..we needed passports?  Oopsie... "Umm, I didn't know we needed a passport - I left mine at the house!"  I sheepishly replied.  "You do realize we're going into a foreign country?" my dad says.. "You need a passport to get into Mexico, or at least to get out..."  Well, about this time, I was hoping the car would somehow suck me between the seats never to be seen again.  Yes, I had ruined the trip for everyone - bugger!  Needless to say, we did not cross the border that day and I've never been anywhere near crossing it since.  [Although we did stay in San Diego, have a lot of wine and went to the zoo the next day... don't ask me about the zoo though, because like I said, we had a LOT of wine]

I've had a picture in my mind of what the border looked like - something you see in films where there's a barbed wire fence, a big ditch and lots of dirt, dogs and guns.  Something Steve McQueen could jump over on his motorbike.  (Yes, that was a reference to the Great Escape)

 

So last weekend, we went to an event close to Jacumba, a tiny, blink and you will miss it town right next to the Mexican border.  As we drove through, you could actually see the border fence.  I was a little surprised at the size.  That thing is huge and there's absolutely no way anyone could crawl under, over or through it, let alone jump it on a bike.  It was amazing, America really, really doesn't want anyone getting in...

Nobody's getting over that thing..

...or so I thought from first glance.  We drove a bit further and as I was taking pictures, this happened...

Unless, apparently, you go over there

Yup, the wall just stopped.  And now I'm confused... I wonder what's at the end of the wall that stops anyone just walking around it?  Actually, I'm not sure I really want to know.  :-(

 

The nearest thing we have in Britain like that is Hadrian's Wall, and we know how well that works.  You just have to go to Rrafalgar Square when Scotland are playing England to know that wall doesn't make the slightest bit of difference. 

Nope - this isn't stopping anyone!

 

Why USA Will Never Win the World Cup (An Unscientific Study)

 So, it’s 5 days until the World Cup starts and I, for one, am extremely excited.  Maybe this will be the year England will win (or at least not get knocked out on penalties – we can all dream, can’t we?)

I’ve already got my viewing plans mapped out… mostly on my itty-bitty Iphone because during most of the games, I will be sitting at my desk at work.  [Boooo]  I would just like to say right now – Thank you WatchESPN for having an app that I can use and for actually showing the footie.  

All that being said, I’m not sure anyone in America actually knows the World Cup is coming.  I have yet to see any adverts on the telly and none of the shops are showing any interest at all in selling World Cup merchandise.  I took this photo recently in Target (probably one of the biggest chain of shops in the US).  This is their meagre attempt at getting behind Team USA…. Really Target, a couple of shirts, a couple of bags and a Brazil hat??  You do realize don't you there are other countries playing?

It just saddens me that the biggest event in the entire world of sport gets ignored or treated with apathy here.  Yes, the matches are being shown on the tv, but only if you subscribe to ESPN and I had to search for it to find out this information.

So, in the interests of science and world peace, I did a little survey.  Nothing fancy, but definitely a comprehensive study of a cross-section of Americans…. Okay, I sent an email to everyone at work.  I asked the following questions:

1. Do you know what the World Cup is?
2. Do you know when it starts?
3. Do you care?

And the official results are in.  Out of the hundreds of people I asked (well, 19) this is what I got…  and no, they weren’t all girls!

Do you know what the World Cup is?

Well, this was a good start, only one person said they didn’t know what it was.  Most people said “Yes” but they may have just been saying that so they didn’t look silly.  A few people actually got the sport right “Soccer” and one said “Brazil.”  Now don’t get me wrong, Brazil is a good attempt, it is where it’s being played after all, but Brazil is not actually THE World Cup, its the venue!!

Do you know when it starts?

Mostly the answer was “No,” but a few attempts ranging from June (very close), Spring and even August were put out there.  One person said “Yes,” but didn’t attempt to tell me when, so I think that was probably a sneaky “No.”

Do you care?

A pretty resounding “No” on this one… there were a couple of “Not really,” or “Only until US is out” and there was even a “Mehh”

So there it is… America does not care about the World Cup.  And this, my friends, is why the USA will never win.  Just think about it, you're out there putting all your heart into something and at the end of the day, nobody gives a monkey's - a little soul destroying really.  So why bother?

Yes, a long time ago, but at least we've done it once!!

We may all know England are going to begin well, have us on the edges of our seats and then go to penalties... as they do every . single . time . but there's always the possibility that once, just once, we might get it right and win the whole bloody thing.  It's what keeps us going as England fans - it's all about the uncertainty and the what if's and this is something America needs to understand.  Get behind your team, no matter what.  They are, after all, representing your country.  Although I will admit to having a little chuckle every time USA get knocked out!