A Letter to England.... I'm Sorry

I’m sorry England.  I’ve tried, I really have, but in the last 20 years of being here I have defended English cuisine until I am blue in the face, but I have to admit there are a lot of English foods I really can’t stand.  I know, I know, you’ve had to live with the terrible assertion by all Americans that English food is bland and well, unpalatable and I’m so sorry, I actually have to agree on some things.

Here’s a list of my terribly unBritishness

Jellied Eels

Oh good grief, I have no idea how anyone decided that these needed to be eaten.  Just the thought of them makes me a bit watery mouthed.  Who was it that first thought “Oh, that wiggly snake like creature in that river should be cut into tiny pieces and boiled in stock and left to cool so it sets into jelly and then eaten with a wooden stick.”  Um, no thank you.

Spotted Dick

Sure, when this was on the menu for school dinners it got a snicker all around.  Only thing is, you had to actually eat the awful stuff.  I don’t care how much [lumpy] custard  it was floated in, the boiled sponge is a thing of my nightmares.  A suet pastry and dried fruit concoction just sounds disgusting. And really, it doesn’t float in the custard, it basically sinks to the bottom because it’s so dense and heavy.

I do have that one friend though, who keeps giving me a tin of it every flippin’ Christmas.

Treacle Pudding

This was another one of those school “treats” that was regularly in rotation on the menu.  Again, and this is probably just me, but it was horrible.  A sticky, stodgy mess, in my opinion.  And treacle, just no.

Mushy Peas

While growing up, I absolutely detested peas with a passion.  I would sit at the table for ages before I could get down because I had to finish those little green horrors.  Eventually, as I grew up, I just basically gave up fighting and ate them.  I can’t say I actually ‘enjoy’ them now, but I do eat them. However, mushy peas are a whole other kettle of fish.  I just don’t understand why you would want to smash them to bits and dollop them on chips.  They used to be a purely “northern” menu item, but last time I was in London, they seem to have taken over.  Everywhere serves them… it’s like that old film The Blob, but now its a great big green blob of peas.  And they try to disguise it by adding mint! I think it’s the fact that marrow peas are used instead of normal peas – they have a whole flavour of their own.

Although, I will say, my other half really, really likes them – not that he’s ever going to eat them in my house.

Black Pudding

I know, it wouldn’t be a ‘real’ full English without lack pudding (or blood sausage as its called in the US), but in my opinion, you can keep it.  Really, how appetizing does pork blood and oatmeal shaped into a sausage sound?   Be honest here.  I have nothing else to say about this, except maybe YUCK!

England, there are other things which I just cannot eat, you know like Scotch eggs, Marmalade and of course Marzipan (why oh why do you have to spoil a perfectly good Christmas cake with a layer of the stuff under that wonderful icing?)  

I’m sorry and I feel like I’ve let you down.  I promise I have not handed in my British card and don’t ever intend to, so please be nice and send me some pork pies.  Everything will be forgotten and I promise I will never speak of my faux pas again.

Thank you

Bank Holiday USA

This last weekend was a Bank Holiday in America, although it’s not actually called a ‘Bank” holiday, just a holiday.  It’s important to know that a holiday weekend is just one day off, it’s not a holiday as we know it because there’s no such thing as a holiday in America, that would be a vacation.  Also, Christmas is called “the Holidays.” Confused yet? [*frown*].  Oh and if the ‘holiday’ falls on a Saturday or Sunday, then you don’t get a day off in lieu like we do in England.  Unfortunately, this year July 4th is on a Saturday, so we won’t get an extra day off.

Anyway, back to last weekend.  It was Memorial Day which is a Federal holiday to remember the people who died while serving in the country's armed forces – a bit like poppy day, if you will, only there are no poppy sellers on each corner (which I miss actually).

Memorial Day is also the official start of summer so the roads are typically packed with people trying to leave for a short getaway.  (A bit like trying to get to Margate on a bank holiday weekend).

This year, the weather was a bit crap and overcast (just like England) so we didn’t really do much until Monday, when the sun came out a bit. [Yes, I really do live in California, honestly]  First off a little car trip up the coast to a famous restaurant, Neptune’s Net.  Well, I think it’s famous, the amount of people there certainly led me to believe that it is.  Packed, it was.  We did manage to get a table eventually and sat down to this wonderful plate of spicy, peel your own shrimp.  

Yummy

Very yummy.   A lady sitting near us decided she couldn’t manage to drink her whole bottle of wine and offered me a glass, (a plastic cup actually) and who was I to say no?  Topped of the meal nicely, thank you very much!

A bit nippy

Party Poopers

We spent a little while watching the surfers freeze their bums off and soaking up a tiny bit of sun, which had decided to come out for a little while, then it was off down the coast to Venice Beach.

I’m not really sure what I can say about Venice Beach!  Some people call Los Angeles LaLaLand and I think Venice Beach is the reason why.  In fact, there’s even a sign to say so.

Definately LaLa Land

The very best of everything crazy can be found at Venice Beach.  The boardwalk (although there are no boards, but you do have to walk) is chocablock with “artists” selling their crazy inventions, artwork and knicknacks.  There are bands playing (sometimes out of tune), drum solos can be heard, an old Indian man on Rollerblades playing the electric guitar is always there.  [No pictures please, without paying, of course].  The sights, sounds and smells (burgers, pizza, patchouli and/or possibly marijuana) make it all a bit surreal.

Busy Boardwalk

Welcome to Venice

No trip is complete without stopping at the Freakshow – yes, they have a real freakshow (obviously). I’ve never been inside, but you get the gist of what you would be seeing as most of the time one or two of the “freaks” are hanging around outside tempting you in.  There’s the bearded lady and the wolf boy (very hairy he is). There’s a two headed terrapin and then there’s this man….

I have no words

You think you’ve seen it all, until you walk to the end and reach the famous “muscle beach” where men and women alike strut and puff their muscles. This day there was some sort of competition going on.  Competitors young and (very) old were strutting, preening and displaying their muscles in bodies that had so much fake tan, I was worried California was going to run out of the stuff.  This one even looked like he had used wood stain he was so dark...

That's a LOT of fake tan

   

  

You can only watch these shenanigans for so long, so we had an ice cream and went home.   All this, and not a bloody stick of rock in sight!  

Oh Brighton, how I miss you (okay, not really).

What is a Crumpet?

How do you describe a crumpet?  I’ve been asked what a crumpet is so often and it really is one of those questions I can never answer – a bit like “what does Marmite taste like?”  It’s one of those things you know, but there are no words to adequately describe it.

What do we know about crumpets?  Well, they’re round with a flat bottom and holes on the top.  You eat them with butter and sometimes in our house we would have them with baked beans and scrambled eggs on top - kind of like a toast substitute.  They’re not sweet, but they’re not particularly savoury either.  You can eat them for breakfast and for tea.  Confused? Yes, and so is everybody I try and describe them to.

So I did what any sane person would do – I Googled it.

Wikipedia says:

“English crumpets are generally circular roughly 8 cm (3") in diameter and 2 cm (0.8") thick.

Their shape comes from being restrained in the pan/griddle by a shallow ring. They have a

characteristic flat top with many small pores and a chewy and spongy texture. They may be 

cooked until ready to eat warm from the pan, but are frequently left slightly undercooked so 

that they may be cooled and stored before being eaten freshly toasted. They are often eaten

with a spread of butter or some alternative spread on the top of them, such as jam, honey or

yeast extract.”

So there you go then, or not…  

Crumpet

Not a crumpet

The next question is usually “Oh, so it’s like an English Muffin then?”  Well, no actually.  An English Muffin is not even a thing in England.  They were invented in America around 1880 by a Samuel Thomas (aka Thomas’ English Muffins), a Brit who moved to America and opened a bakery. Maybe that’s where the “English” in English muffin came from.  I had actually never eaten or even heard of an English Muffin until I moved here.

Muffins are kind of bready, and crumpets are certainly not, they are kind of rubbery, if truth be told. A bit more research (umm, googling) led me to this:

• Crumpets are always made with milk, but English muffins are not
• Crumpets are made of batter; English muffins are made from a firm dough.
• Crumpets are made using baking soda; English muffins are made with yeast
• Crumpets are cooked only on one side (presumably when you’re making them, ‘cos I always put them in the toaster and that would mean both sides are cooked); English muffins are toasted on both sides
• Crumpets are served whole; English muffins are split before serving

So there you have it, the definitive definition of crumpets. (*sigh*)

I think I will just start carrying a picture of each one around so I don’t have to explain.  But then I would probably be asked what they tasted like.  I would just say “Bloody marvelous!”

Then I would hope nobody asks what a "nice bit of crumpet" is, because that would open a whole other conversation.

A Crisp Sandwich - Yes Please!

Crisp Sandwich Shop Sells Out in TWO Hours

So the crisp sandwich restaurant which opened Monday was a complete sell out in the first two hours.

Is it only me, or is anyone else not surprised by this?

In my opinion, crisp sarnies are the very best thing since, well sliced bread.  Thank goodness for John Montague, the 4th Earl of Sandwich (13 Nov. 1718 - 30 Apr. 1792) for his most fabulous invention way back in the 1700’s [Wikipedia].

Growing up, it didn’t matter what we had for tea, if there was bread you made yourself a sandwich from the bit of food you had left especially.  I think this was a requirement of British childhood.  It was the only thing to do whether you were eating fish fingers, chips and peas (a favourite in our house), egg and chips or even spaghetti Bolognese (when it was a fancy day) – they all went in between two slices of bread and butter.  Mashed potato and gravy was also a favourite of mine and who, tell me, has never had a chip butty?

But the crisp sandwich has got to be up there in the top ten.  Here’s mine (but not necessarily in top ten order)

Ham and Marmite – Back in the day, I used to sell programmes on a Saturday at Chelsea Football Club and had to be there early so wouldn’t get time for lunch.  Every week, without fail, I would pack myself a ham and Marmite and a mini pork pie.  Whenever I eat one now (minus the pork pie, of course as I can’t get them here) it takes me right back to Victoria Tube Station – ‘cos I could never wait until lunch time.

Needs a bit of ham (and a pork pie)

Fried Egg – My aunt was famous for her doorstep fried egg sandwiches.  I used to love going to see her as she would always ask if we wanted one.  Very, very thick freshly sliced bread and a lovely runny egg yolk.

Doorstep Fish Fingers - but imagine it with a runny egg!!

Chips – The ubiquitous chip butty.  Slathered with tomato sauce and lashings of vinegar.  Made even better if you have some fried egg to dip it in.

Crisps -  If you need a snack which is a little more than a bag of crisps, out comes the bread.  It doesn’t really matter what flavor, but ready salted and cheese and onion are my go-to’s.

Sausages – More than likely this would be for breakfast, with loads of tomato sauce.  Yum!  (Wish I could get some Wall’s Prime Porkie Workies here)

Bacon – Again for breakfast.  The only problem living in America is that the bacon is bloody awful. When it’s cooked right, it’s hard and crispy – basically overcook streaky bacon.  Not too good for a sandwich, if you ask me.  Although tomato sauce does a lot to disguise this fact.

Piccalilli on Toast – Although not a sandwich, I love this.  I first got the idea years ago when a cousin of mine was pregnant and this was one of her cravings.  I don’t know about her, but I’ve been eating it ever since.  The same goes for tomato sauce on toast.  Yum!

Possibly a bit too much Piccalilli

Paté and Pickled Onions – This is also something I liked to eat on toast.  I remember I would come home from school and be starving and as my mum was usually still at work, secretly I had the run of the fridge and larder.  I had to be careful what I would eat so I wasn’t found out. One day, this combination just happened and it was the most wonderful thing ever.  It’s funny how we always had paté in the fridge, you hardly ever see it here.  Oh and I hope my mum’s not reading this and has just found out what happened to all the pickled onions.

Needs pickled onions

Cheese and Tomato – I’m not really a cheese kind of person, but there is one time that really sticks out in my memory.  We were at the seaside and we went to a small café to have a cuppa and a sandwich.  My mum chose cheese and tomato and that particular sandwich had been sitting wrapped in clingfilm for quite a while.  The tomato was warm and had bled into the cheese, which was slightly soggy and the whole thing had a mild plasticky taste – and it was wonderful.  Needless to say, this is the only way I will each cheese sandwiches now.  My sandwich has to be left out for a while to get to room temperature..  In fact, if I’m having one, I will always make it ahead of time so it’s warmed up a bit. I know, it sounds absolutely terrible, but I’m a bit weird, I think.  *Smiles*

Now my taste buds are tingling and my mouth is watering looking at all these lovely sandwiches - and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do right now for a pork pie!  Oh how I miss those gorgeous little packets of meaty goodness!

What’s your favourite sandwich and how weird do you get?

My Dirty Little Thanksgiving Secret

Here’s my secret – although people who know me might already guess this …..

[*whispering*] I don't particularly like Thanksgiving!!

Oh no, I hear the cry… why ever not?  You must like Thanksgiving, it’s an American Tradition, it's the best meal of the year!  Well, let me explain

Turkey

While I love, love, love turkey, it’s a traditional Christmas dinner and something I look forward to all year. I appreciate many American’s don’t do the family thing at Christmas, but in England it’s a big deal. Turkey with all the trimmings – roast potatoes, chipolata sausages, Yorkshire pudding, carrots, broccoli, gravy and of course, Brussels sprouts – is the perfect Christmas dinner. So to have turkey a few weeks before Christmas takes all the thrill out of it. It’s kind of like opening all your presents before Christmas and then having no surprises on Christmas morning.

All the Trimmings
Ahh yes, all the trimmings, American style…

1. Sweet potato – what the heck is this stuff?  It’s sweet, it’s orange and it’s definitely not a potato. (okay, it might be, but I'm not an expert)  Not only that – it’s usually topped with marshmallows.  Ugh, sweet and savoury should never, ever go on the same plate;

I have no words

2. Mashed potatoes – nope, no lovely, crispy roast potatoes but mashed.  And mashed is kind of a subjective word because most likely there will be lumps and skin in there.  Reminds me of icky school mashed potatoes.  Sometimes, there’s even garlic or some other concoction of flavours added.  I'm a purist when it comes to mashed potatoes, no lumps, no skin, no flavours except potato - it probably has to do with having a former Irish mother-in-law.

Lumpy potato

      3.      Ambrosia Salad – okay, this is where things get really weird. Ambrosia is a so-called salad which in my opinion, it most definitely is not. Mandarin oranges, pineapple, coconut, mini marshmallows and whipped topping is not my idea of a salad. A pudding (dessert) maybe but never a main meal – and to top if off, you have to eat it on the same plate as your turkey! Holy crap that’s so wrong – see number 1 above.

Nope - Definitely a pudding

        4.      Green Bean Casserole – I will admit I really like this, but at the end of the day, it’s just a tin of runner beans mixed with a tin of mushroom or chicken soup and some crunchy onions. It is the best part of the meal, actually and I tend to eat more of this than anything.

My favourite part

5. Vegetables – oh wait, there are no vegetables really.  Sometimes there might be carrots, but then they’re covered in sugar and probably marshmallows too.

Pudding (“Dessert” if you’re America)

What no Christmas pudding or mince pies?  Of course not – it’s not Christmas, even though your're eating Turkey!

Pick your punishment preference:

Pumpkin pie – I’m sure pumpkins are not made for eating, otherwise why would the flavour have to be totally concealed in cinnamon or nutmeg.  Not to mention the texture is awful.

Apple Pie – oh yes, something I recognize.  Wait, it’s so over seasoned with cinnamon that it doesn’t even taste like apple pie.

Pecan Pie – I have no comment on this one.  I’ve tried a pecan once and it was awful.  I’m sure there are at least two or three spoons of cinnamon in there too.

Sweet Potato Pie – Wait, didn’t we just have this with our dinner?  And it looks suspiciously similar to pumpkin pie.

Ok, I will admit and you might have noticed I don’t like cinnamon and the problem in America, especially this time of year, is that it’s so overwhelming in everything.  I think I will stick with the Ambrosia salad as my pudding, thank you.  (Although it’s usually cleaned away by the time you get to desert).

Awkwardness

So here’s the thing, it seems that no matter where you go, you have to do the whole “go around the table and give thanks thing.”  Everyone has to take turns saying what they are thankful for and of course, it’s a time you are in the spotlight (kind of) and all eyes are on you.  I’ve said things like “I’m thankful I didn’t have to do the cooking,” which I’m not entirely sure is what is expected.

Also, sometimes, there’s praying!  I know, I shouldn’t say bad things about praying, but it just makes me cringe and feel really uncomfortable.  There's also hand-holding sometimes.  And heaven forbid (yes, I said it) that I’m  actually asked to say the prayer!

So how do I get around this, being engaged to a wonderful Yank you say?

Well, sometimes I just have to suck it up and eat the turkey.  But, for the last couple of years, we’ve been to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving and it works out absolutely brilliantly.  We go to a buffet and he can get his Thanksgiving meal with all the trimming and I can have bloomin’ Chinese food if I feel like it, or Mexican, or Italian, or anything I want without ruining my Christmas.

Oh yes, and I forgot about the worst part - there are no presents!!!  You see, Christmas is so MUCH better.

Not Quite English

Last weekend, my daughter and I went on another brunch quest looking for a little bit of England in California.  This time, we tried Lucky Baldwins, a ‘British Pub & Café’ in Pasadena.  They have three locations and apparently have been there some 18 years, so it should be great, right?

First of all, we got there a bit late for breakfast and/or brunch.  It was around noon, which in theory should still be time for brunch, but whatever.  The actual menu was very patriotic, Union Jacks all over it, but that’s pretty much where it ended.  The only two items of a British nature that I could see were a bacon and egg breakfast sandwich (American bacon, Irish bacon for an extra charge) and a full English (an extra charge for crumpets instead of toast).   Oh, I could have had a cup of PG Tips too.

Very patriotic

Of course, we ordered one of each (with Irish bacon and crumpets).  Hannah had the breakfast sandwich which had a lovely runny egg and a couple of bits of bacon.  This would have been a great breakfast if you had made it at home, but in a restaurant you would expect a little bit more on the plate – even a bit of dead cabbage for garnish would have made it look a bit fancier.  But she said it was lovely, even though she thought she could have eaten another one!

That's it?

I had the full English - bacon, sausage, two eggs over easy, (I still can't figure out what I am supposed to ask for here, but over easy seemed to be okay this time), baked beans (Heinz), mushrooms, fried tomato - Mmmm, lovely jubbly.... but then there was also that potato/pepper/onion mixture that seems to be a standard in American breakfasts - FAIL! Gentlemen, this is most definitely NOT an English breakfast requirement!

What is that potato stuff??  Definitely not English!

The sausage was lovely, as were the mushrooms and beans.  The eggs were runny enough and the (tiny bit of) bacon was nice.  But then there were the crumpets.  The waiter (who was new on the job, he said), didn't know what a crumpet was, but I assured him they were on the menu and I could have them instead of toast,  Well, when I got them, they looked (and tasted) like they had been heated up in a microwave.  They were rubbery like they had just come out of the packet, no crispy bits on the bottom and not only that, I didn't get any bloomin' butter, just a little pot of lemon curd.  In all my years, I have never eaten crumpets with lemon curd (and no butter), but there's a first time for everything, as they say, and I tried.  But quite frankly, it was pretty blah.

Hmmm....a bit bland

I'm not saying I'm Egon Ronay or that I work for the Michelin Guide, but I was just a little, well, disappointed with the food.

But, I'm sure if we had got there earlier when the Premier League football was on, the place would have been bursting at the seams with all the Chelsea fans watching Frank Lampard put a goal past his old club, much to his dismay.   It probably would have felt a lot more "British."

Unfortunately, by the time we got there they were showing American Football and we were sitting at a table next to the most annoyingly loud and obnoxious person ever (yes, really loud and really obnoxious). But I'm sure he might have said the same thing had he been there for the 'real' football and sat among a load of boisterous and, some would say also obnoxious, English footie supporters.

I might be being a bit harsh, the waiter was new and we were surrounded by Yanks watching American Football.  Not exactly a definitive British experience.  We were on the patio also - maybe inside it was decorated extremely English.  I am not ruling out ever going there again, so who knows. Watch this space (as they say)..... *smile*

A Little Etiquette Please

I have often wondered why Americans don’t use knives when eating.  Having been brought up to eat properly with a knife in the right hand, fork in the left, it continues to amaze me when I see people trying to actually cut their food with a fork.  Go to any restaurant and you will see it all the time. 

But what’s even more hilarious is watching them when they actually try and use both utensils.  Totally the wrong way round, they might as well be wearing boxing gloves!  The fork is always upside down and the knife, well, don’t even ask what they’re doing with the knife.  It looks a bit dangerous, as if the food is about to shoot off the plate at any minute.  You can watch this for agonizing minutes and then once the “cutting” is over, they go back to eating all their bite size pieces with only a fork, which they have switched back to the other hand.  A bit like cutting food up for your baby.



Right?

Wrong?

I have often sat and watched Dave try and cut a juicy steak with his fork, leaned over and said “You do have a knife you know, wouldn’t that be easier?”  I get “the look.”  Now I’m not saying it’s the wrong way to eat (it is), but it is just so, well, awkward and looks like a a lot of hard work. 

Here’s a short and possibly quite possibly ‘politically incorrect’ lesson in using a knife and fork the Downton Abbey way. 

 

 

I find it very peculiar and funny to watch the Americans, but I will admit I get funny looks when I’m eating Pizza and fried chicken (not at the same meal) with a knife and fork. I am told “That’s what your hands are for.” But it doesn’t feel right to eat with my hands.   That'll be my "stodgy" British upbringing. 

Oh and one more thing, when you’ve finished, America, please put your knife and fork together in middle of the plate. Thank you. That’s all.

 

 

The Cockles of my Heart

When I was pregnant I crave, crave, craved cockles.  I love those little shellfish and I just couldn’t get enough.  (and yes, I did eat shellfish whilst pregnant – shame on me). 

I remember going to the seaside way back when and queuing up at the shellfish bar to get my tiny plate of cockles in vinegar with a little sprinkle of pepper on the top and using that weeny two prong fork to eat them one at a time.  Ahh the deliciousness of it all!  But not only at the beach, there seemed to be a cockle/shellfish bar in every market.

Not in America

Imagine my shock and horror to realize you can’t get them in California.  I’ve looked everywhere and never found them.  I wondered if they were called something else here?  I even Googled “What are cockles called in America” and came up with nothing.  Apparently they have not made the journey across the pond and are not sold anywhere!!

I’m taking a trip back to Blighty later this year and one of my stops will definitely be the cockle stall.  My American fiancé will be with me and I can’t wait to see his face when I try to get him to eat one!    If he actually likes them, it will definitely warm the cockles of my heart! ❤

With Vinegar and Pepper - Perfect!

Shepherd's Pie

I’m not professing to be Gordon Ramsay – heck, I’m not even Fanny Craddock.  I can’t cook.  I give it a good old British try, but some things just aren’t for me – cooking fancy stuff being one of them.  I’ve never made a cake that doesn’t sink in the middle and cupcakes, well, we won’t even go there.

So when people ask me to cook English food, I go to my staples.  I can do blinding roast potatoes and a Sunday roast.  I can make curry (with the help of Patak’s sauces) and I make a brilliant Shepherd’s Pie (even if I do say so myself).  The thing is, and I’ve never told anyone, I cheat when I make Shepherd’s Pie.  There it is – it’s out there now. 

I don’t use herbs and spices or fancy seasoning in my meat – I use a packet mix.  But not even a Coleman’s Shepherd’s Pie packet mix – it’s just a supermarket own brand stew mix!  I use half a packet and dissolve it with an Oxo cube.  Very un-English (except for the Oxo). 

This is how Jamie Oliver would make it right here.  And he says it’s simple!

Well, this is how I make it:

• 1 pound mince
• 1 tin carrots
• 1 small bag of frozen peas
• Half a sachet of Stew Mix
• 1 Oxo cube
• Mashed potato

 

 

 

Brown the meat; mix the Oxo and Stew Mix with 1 litre of hot water.  Empty peas and carrots into meat with Oxo and stew mix, cover and simmer until water has reduced.

Meanwhile, make your mashed potatoes.  Put the meat in a baking dish and put the spuds over the top – fluff with a fork.  Pop in the oven for an hour, or until the top gets crusty and/or brown.

And now I’ve given away one of my biggest secrets, my American friends will not be pestering me to come to dinner so often – but maybe that’s a good thing  *smile*